Friday afternoon, I was blessed with another opportunity to be reminded of my unique bladder retention skills. I have accepted a job as an activities director at an assisted-living center and they called me in on Friday to "fill out a survey." After answering a fifty question survey about whether or not I've ever come into work strung out on meth, whether or not I've ever used violence to solve anger issues with coworkers, or whether or not I've stolen thousands of dollars from previous employers, I thought my work was done.
"Go ahead and have a seat," said the paperwork lady, "our nurse will be out with you in just a moment."
Uh oh. I hope this isn't what I think it is.
It was. The nurse takes me to the bathroom, hands me the cup and says "I just need it up to this line."
Are you serious? Can people really just pee on command like that? When I know I need to take a drug test, I have to drink gallons of water at least three hours before the test. They should have warned me, now we were all in trouble. I think both the nurse and I were slightly amused when I said, "I think I'm going to need some water."
She wasn't so amused when twenty minutes and twenty glasses of water later my bladder was still showing off its toughness. I sat out in the lobby with a glass of water (right next to the drinking fountain for easy refill access) and tried to relax. Employees began to give me curious looks, wondering what a young girl was doing hanging out in the lobby of a rest home. One resident with mild dementia sat in the armchair next to me and made polite conversation. After awhile, even she started getting curious: "Is that water good? You sure seem to like it...you must be thirsty..."
Forty-five minutes and forty glasses of water later, the employees had gone from curiosity to amusement to pity. I received the following advise and support from extremely helpful strangers:
"Just get in there and say 'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.' "
"Do you need a magazine?"
"Gosh, I guess it's not as easy as it seems."
"Just relax, try not to think about it."
and my favorite: "Do you need more water?"
Some nurses would pass by me, go into the back office and ask "What's going on out there? Does she need help?" which was always followed by whispers and then uproarious laughter.
The maintenance man began to look at his watch every time he passed me. I think he was trying to clock me to see if I was going to hold out for a record.
My future boss had passed by me earlier and was excited to introduce me to someone from corporate that was visiting that day. Half an hour later when they passed me again, she avoided eye contact with me and tried to block me from the view of the corporate lady. I think she didn't want to be known as the crazy lady who hired a girl who liked to hang out in rest homes and drink water.
An hour and a half and a gallon of water later, we had success. Which was a good thing too because if I had to drink one more glass of water, I'm pretty sure it would have exited my body at the wrong end. And if there's anything worse than being known as "the girl who couldn't pee in a cup" it would be being known as "the girl who couldn't hold her water."
