Me + This Sign = MFEO

Adjectives

Adorable:

Fetching:

Delightful:

Perspicacious:

Precious:

Punky:

Mr. Suavey:

Boisterous:

Goofy-licious:

Attitude-y:

Scrumptious:

Intrinsic:

Delectable:

Nerdy:

Pulchritudinous Nerdy:

Faux-hawky:

Seductive:

Double Seductive:

Tell me why

this makes me so happy:

*via loopable

You're Wrong

I have a new friend whose favorite way to tell a joke follows this pattern: "If you think _____________, you're wrong."

I have since tried to use this joke pattern as a vehicle for my own daily jokes.  And if you think it's not blowing my mind, you're wrong.

Instead of saying Jason Bateman is so funny, I say "If you think the world could contain any ounce of cinematic humor without Jason Bateman, you're wrong."

Instead of saying these cherry blossoms make me want to eat popcorn, I say "If you think I'm not considering just how exactly I could take an armful and make a treat, you're wrong."

Or instead of saying Kelly loves Justin Bieber, I say "If you think Kelly has ever imagined someone other than herself as the future Mrs. Bieber, you're wrong."

If you think you can try out this joke pattern without getting a laugh, you're wrong.

And you can quote me on that because I am never wrong.

Oh.

A few weeks ago, I arrived home from a Saturday morning errand and I was given quite the scare.

The front door of our apartment was slightly ajar.

I slowly stepped inside and called out, "Hello?....Hello?"  No answer.

My heart started racing.  Stuff was strewn everywhere.  Furniture was out of place.

We'd been robbed.

Wait, the tv is still here.

Wait, so are the laptops.

Oh.

We haven't been robbed.  This is how we live. 

Rabbits

I guess the Chinese New Year was on my mind today.  I did some doodling during a meeting.  Unfortunately, I've never been very good at rabbits.

No matter how goofy I try to make them look, they always come out looking a little angry.  And slightly evil.  I tried removing the arched eyebrows, the teeth and the upturned cheeks. 



Well, now he just looks drugged up.  Maybe if I made the rabbit a girl with a big smile...

I have three words for this doodle: creepy, clown, and soul-less.

My sister told me the year of the rabbit is supposed to be "quiet, positive, and inspiring."  If my doodles are any indication, it's going to be anything but.

Happy Chinese New Year!

(I guess this one's not so bad...as long as you keep in mind that those are just hopping marks coming out from behind him, and nothing else.)

What have I been eating?

I don't know where all these weird dreams are coming from, but the other night I dreamt I was transported back in time with a specialized group to save the world.  We went back to a Renaissance time where people coexisted with dinosaurs.  I even got to ride a pterodactyl.  While wearing a velvet maroon princess dress.  While saving the world.  I am very talented in my dreams.   

Well, when we were done saving the earth, we ran into some uncomfortable predicaments.  Our time traveling device broke and we were stuck there.  That is not what made me uncomfortable.  What made me uncomfortable was that a boy from our group, who looked very similar to Justin Beiber, kept trying to kiss me.  I kept trying to tell him that I wasn't attracted to baby faces, but he was persistent.  Luckily, he discovered I had bad breathe and he stopped.  I was so happy, I decided not to brush my teeth until we arrived safely back to our time period. 

The dream ended with me riding my friendly pterodactyl through the skies, my hands stretched out to touch the clouds, laughing at the wind - and catching a whiff of my own foul breath blown back into my face.  I woke up choking on the imaginary stench.  I brushed my teeth immediately, but as a caution, avoided all Justin Beiber look-a-likes throughout the day.

Me and Peyton

Last night I had a dream that Peyton Manning and I played cards.  I suggested the game, Frustration, he suggested that I was going to get my trash kicked.  I said, "Eat my dust," and then he did.  It was kind of embarassing for him, poor guy.

Thursday Morning Inspiration

Reach for Your Dreams

Mr. T Party

I pity the fool!

I pity the fool who hasn't seen this!

I pity the fool who isn't wearing this!

I pity the fool who has not tried this!

I pity the fool who has not eaten this!

I pity the fool who doesn't know this!

I pity the fool.

Dogs Say Good Night

All my life I've been singing: I see skies of blue, clouds of white, bright blessed days, the dogs say good night, and I think to myself, what a wonderful world. Today I finally realized how ridiculous that was. Maybe I just assumed that it would indeed be a world full of wonder if dogs could actually say good night.

Maybe

Maybe I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning watching two episodes of Celebrity Apprentice...

Maybe I'm starting to like animals and it's making me uncomfortable...

Maybe I have some bbq sauce and peanut butter stuck in my nose from the food fight last night because that's all I can smell today...

Maybe David Hasslehoff's "Hooked On A Feeling" music video is a guilty pleasure of mine...

Maybe if I owned a fancy, fancy camera I wouldn't know what to do with it...

Maybe I have a stack of 20 blank notebooks that I can never seem to get rid of. Maybe I just really like them, okay.

Maybe I'm jealous of Sally...

Maybe I'm getting the sneaky suspicion that delivery boys and gas attendants have an undeniable attraction to me...

Maybe I'm bored.

You look just like...!

Apparently, I look like everyone. I don't mind the frequent "You look just like my friend from high school" when first meeting people and I don't mind the frequent call outs to celebrity look-a-likes, but when a new co-worker the other day told me I looked like Mira Sorvino (one I haven't heard before), I couldn't help but think that this was starting to get a little ridiculous.

I've put together a collection of all the movie stars I've been told I look like and I've discovered a pattern. Basically, it's anyone with small eyes, and at times, a big nose: Mira Sorvino, Rene Zellweger, Pam Beasley aka Jenna Fischer, Juliette Lewis, Helen Hunt, Jennifer Gray aka Baby from Dirty Dancing, Angelica Houston (specifically her character on Witches), Rachel Glenn (Bill Nye the Science Guy's assistant), and Alice from the Honeymooners (I ironically got this one when I was a mere 10 years old).

Sadly, my resemblance to famous faces is not limited to female actresses. No, I have also been told I look like Legolas, the guy from Dawson's Creek, and Tom Hanks (this one I actually discovered for myself, but those who are honest enough agree with me).

And yes, if you were wondering, my Ashley look-a-likes also extend to the animal kingdom. With my jungle eyes and wild hair, I have been told by more than one person that I look like a jungle cat. I decided that looking like a cat wasn't so bad, but when a former roommate of mine eagerly informed me that I looked more like a bulldog than a cat I decided not to share my look-a-like list with her anymore (and I decided I should do something about my droopy cheeks).

So, put all these faces together, and you've got...me! A girl that looks eerily similar to a guy in my friend's ward directory.

"Do you need more water?"

I have an iron bladder. I used to think this was a good thing. Especially when on road trips, during 8 hour flights, or at girls' camp. I remember going on a road trip with my friend's family once, and after the third or fourth pit stop with the family shuffling into gas stations while I waited in the car, my friend's mom asked in exasperation, "Don't you EVER have to go?" That's when I knew I was different.

Friday afternoon, I was blessed with another opportunity to be reminded of my unique bladder retention skills. I have accepted a job as an activities director at an assisted-living center and they called me in on Friday to "fill out a survey." After answering a fifty question survey about whether or not I've ever come into work strung out on meth, whether or not I've ever used violence to solve anger issues with coworkers, or whether or not I've stolen thousands of dollars from previous employers, I thought my work was done.

"Go ahead and have a seat," said the paperwork lady, "our nurse will be out with you in just a moment."

Uh oh. I hope this isn't what I think it is.

It was. The nurse takes me to the bathroom, hands me the cup and says "I just need it up to this line."

Are you serious? Can people really just pee on command like that? When I know I need to take a drug test, I have to drink gallons of water at least three hours before the test. They should have warned me, now we were all in trouble. I think both the nurse and I were slightly amused when I said, "I think I'm going to need some water."

She wasn't so amused when twenty minutes and twenty glasses of water later my bladder was still showing off its toughness. I sat out in the lobby with a glass of water (right next to the drinking fountain for easy refill access) and tried to relax. Employees began to give me curious looks, wondering what a young girl was doing hanging out in the lobby of a rest home. One resident with mild dementia sat in the armchair next to me and made polite conversation. After awhile, even she started getting curious: "Is that water good? You sure seem to like it...you must be thirsty..."

Forty-five minutes and forty glasses of water later, the employees had gone from curiosity to amusement to pity. I received the following advise and support from extremely helpful strangers:

"Just get in there and say 'I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.' "

"Do you need a magazine?"

"Gosh, I guess it's not as easy as it seems."

"Just relax, try not to think about it."

and my favorite: "Do you need more water?"

Some nurses would pass by me, go into the back office and ask "What's going on out there? Does she need help?" which was always followed by whispers and then uproarious laughter.

The maintenance man began to look at his watch every time he passed me. I think he was trying to clock me to see if I was going to hold out for a record.

My future boss had passed by me earlier and was excited to introduce me to someone from corporate that was visiting that day. Half an hour later when they passed me again, she avoided eye contact with me and tried to block me from the view of the corporate lady. I think she didn't want to be known as the crazy lady who hired a girl who liked to hang out in rest homes and drink water.

An hour and a half and a gallon of water later, we had success. Which was a good thing too because if I had to drink one more glass of water, I'm pretty sure it would have exited my body at the wrong end. And if there's anything worse than being known as "the girl who couldn't pee in a cup" it would be being known as "the girl who couldn't hold her water."